A conversation with
four young, Ethiopian women covering contemporary social issues of life
in Addis, Ethiopian men and comparisons with life in the Diaspora.
The Subjects
One woman who’s lived in Addis all her life but travels a lot as part of her profession. Another who also travels as much but previously lived in the US for some time and is a single mother. Yet another who might be classified as a recent returnee (married with kids) from the US – so recent, she’s not quite ready for that classification yet. And lastly, a true blue Diasporan from Canada on her first visit to Ethiopia after 17 years.
The Setting
The setting for this conversation is entirely apropos – Sheba Lounge at the Hilton Addis. At once a place that has seen generations come and go but yet remained as steadfastly unchanged as in its much earlier days. A timeless gathering place for those you might refer to as the upscale socialites of this town – Diaspora, Returnees, Expats and the upwardly mobile of Addis.
The Conversation
ACX sat down with this admittedly narrow but nevertheless fascinating cross section of contemporary Ethiopian women to discuss contemporary social issues of life in Addis. Sure, the preponderance of the conversation revolved around men, marriage and the like but the implications of the perceptions revealed are at least peripherally a reflection on a wider scope of women’s issues and perhaps reveal some interesting traits of the complex interaction between contemporary Ethiopian men and women.
On Double Standards
Hanging out at a bar for a quiet beer. Enjoying the forbidden pleasure of a cigarette after a long day at work. Getting together with friends for a night out on the town. None of these activities may elicit too many objections should all the actors be male. Not so for women says our impromptu panel. In fact, the automatic (and somewhat kinder) label that may be affixed to women engaged in such activities is likely to be ‘DURIYE!’ And this not just from the piously appropriate but also (and maybe especially) from the very male counterparts that may be just as likely to be doing the exact same thing. The impacts of such perceptions can range from being a mild outcast to achieving pariah status for serious dating and marriage. ‘Equality in perception!’, demands our panel.
Clearly the reasoning behind this phenomenon is not all that mysterious. Despite the seemingly cosmopolitan nature of Addis itself (as well as some other major urban centers), most Ethiopians remain social conservatives and look askance at many of the trappings that Western influence (not to mention Chinese apparel) seems to have imparted on select segments of Ethiopian society. In particular, attitudes towards women have not shifted much as clearly evidenced by the high rates (and tacit tolerance) of gender based violence and early marriage prevalent in Ethiopia. So the overall existence of such double standards for men and women as our panel describes should perhaps not be viewed as inconsistent with the general state of affairs. However, the natural backlash to this condition from the fairer sex is certainly heightened in Addis and in particular amongst the segment of women who have more exposure to the aforementioned foreign influence. Certainly, our panel fits smack bang into that segment. The real question here is, why haven’t their male contemporaries been similarly enlightened?
On Ethiopian Men and Dating
Apparently Ethiopian men will happily date a party animal but won’t generally consider the idea of marrying such a person. We’re not sure this particular trait is confined to Ethiopian men but the panel seemed to be in agreement on this as a notable one amongst Ethiopian men. In retrospect, we also wonder if the reverse is true but we’ll have to defer that question to another encounter with our august group.
Our Diasporans had an observation regarding the affinity that Ethiopian men in the Diaspora seem to have in wanting to date new arrivals into their midst. A new face in town attracts a great many suitors and one possible idea of why may include the desire to get to someone before the regular dating merry-go-round picks her up. Despite the high number of Ethiopians abroad and in particular in the Washington DC area where there are supposed to be well above 100,000, there is a strong perception that this community is ‘small’ especially when it relates to dating within it. In fact, this perception is certainly not groundless because it is fairly routine to come across situations where A dated B who once dated C, a best friend of D whose sister once dated A.
Despite the high number of Ethiopians abroad and in particular in the Washington DC area where there are supposed to be well above 100,000, there is a strong perception that this community is ‘small’ especially when it relates to dating within it. In fact, this perception is certainly not groundless because it is fairly routine to come across situations where A dated B who once dated C, a best friend of D whose sister once dated A.
Perhaps this is what has resulted in a predisposition towards dating new arrivals in town (whether from Ethiopia or another location abroad that is sufficiently removed from their current location) because they are in a sense unsullied by the merry-go-round type of action that characterizes dating in the relatively smaller circles of Habeshas in the Diaspora. The reverse does not necessarily seem to hold true – returnees to Ethiopia do not seem to attract the same attention upon arrival. In fact, they may possibly even be regarded as a bit too ‘progressive’ and potentially uncooperative with the normal state of affairs men apparently expect from their relationships here.
Dishing on Diasporan Men
On the flip side, it doesn’t seem like there is a similar predisposition on the part of the local ladies when it comes to Diasporan men. In fact, one of our panelists (a local) adamantly maintains that she would never date a Diasporan. ‘Why?’ we ask and she embarks on a litany of complaints targeting Diasporan men and is immediately greeted by nodding heads around the table – and yes, that did include the Diasporan section of our panel in case you’re wondering. Seems like the general gist of sentiment being expressed revolved around the strong perception that such men are mostly show offs or at the very least a bit too concerned with who they know and what they have more than anything else. ‘Name dropping’ is apparently one of the most common transgression such men will engage in. Something else that Diasporan men can’t seem to get over and that frustrates women in Addis to no end is best represented by the question the former group invariably seems to pose many of the unmarried women they meet…”You mean you still live with your family??!!” For future reference gents, it is actually somewhat uncommon for a young lady to move out of her family’s home before she gets married. We’re sure you know this already at some level but judging from what some in our panel were expressing, we suggest you get hip to this and lighten up on such queries in the future.
Men and Economics
Another surprising revelation during the conversation was the uniform but nuanced recognition of economics as a subconscious determinant to the complex interaction between Ethiopian men and women. It is by itself a topic for an entire article as were many others which were brought up in this space. But the general gist goes something like this – if a guy comes from a ‘good family’, then he’s probably fine to date and even marry. We suspect it probably wouldn’t hurt if such a fella was a Denzel look alike but the explicitly affirmed sentiment amongst our panel was that economics does play a significant if not forward role in the general acceptability of a man as ‘marriage material’. It seems like this surprising position is predicated on the tacit acknowledgement of the still existing (and in fact significant) gap between the earning power that men and women command respectively. Our recent returnee states it very succinctly, "If a woman is not financially independent, she’s not independent.
If a woman is not financially independent, she’s not independent.
”
Seems like there’s a flip side to this. As in, the same benefit may not apply to successful women and in fact such success may be a detriment to healthy dating. The same panelist states, “Women who are independent in their career, who have a strong opinion, who exude a lot of confidence when they’re out, do have a harder time getting a man.”
On Marital Matters
This topic opened up such a can of worms, we can only scratch the surface a bit. From the societal perception of Ethiopian women who marry expats to the astronomically high rates of infidelity they perceive, the ladies cut loose into this topic with wild abandon.
In a city where some observers now say there are over 50,000 expats, it is certainly not uncommon to encounter Ethiopian women who are married to one. Predictably, there is a range of perception that can accompany such happenstances and one of the more distasteful ones may be the one which automatically labels the woman as having sold out for money. Then again as our panel points out, there are others for whom this is to be viewed in a positive light though still from a perspective of economic gain. In fact, many may regard her as having hit the jackpot for managing to hook up with a ferengi. However, it seems to us that this is less so because of any wealth that such ferengis may have but because many view them as one hope of finding a way out of the world of limited options many women in Ethiopia perceive themselves to be in despite appearances that may appear to contradict that. The economic undercurrents that our panel referred to previously is clearly in evidence here as well but perhaps not in the most direct form that many might be inclined to associate it with.
Surprisingly, there was strong commonality between all on the question of different roles for men and women in marriage. Specifically speaking, there seemed to be universal acceptance of the husband as head of the household in a given family, driven at least in part by religious convictions. But when attempting to define what exactly such roles should entail, there was a clear delineation between the locals who were much more likely to take their lead from societal cues while the Diasporan’s were adamant about looking inward to their relationships in determining these roles. It turns out this wasn’t the last time we were to see this fissure.
On the topic of infidelity in marriage (by men) there was again a consensus as to its remarkable prevalence. So much so, one of our panel went so far as to say, "99% of married [Ethiopian] men cheat! In fact, they're pretty much expected to cheat.
99% of married [Ethiopian] men cheat! In fact, they're pretty much expected to cheat.
" We'll wait for statistical verification of that astounding presumption but the fact that this is apparently a belief held by a significant percentage of women (100% in our case), speaks volumes. But once again we found that the locals were much more likely to apply empirical observations to individual circumstances while their ‘counterparts’ would look inwards to determine the status of their own relationships. Going back to the contention by our panel that the vast majority of Ethiopian men are unfaithful in their marriages (particularly in Ethiopia), this seems to reflect a belief that this type of infidelity is almost institutionalized in some circles. In general, they do not believe this is necessarily a new phenomenon either and that this problem was just as prevalent in prior generations as well. It’s just more visible these days. Some readers will no doubt find this surprising as we did too but taking this to another level was a related assertion by our local panel that women are increasingly engaging in this type of activity as well. One might almost be forgiven for thinking that Addis will soon look like the second coming of Woodstock if our panel's perception of current trends were to hold true.
On What They Would Change
Mo’better men, says one.
Freedom to express our independence, says a second.
Yet another would like to see a return to the norms of respecting our elders and the other trappings which used to define Ethiopian culture but don’t seem to as much anymore.
Despite the high number of Ethiopians abroad and in particular in the Washington DC area where there are supposed to be well above 100,000, there is a strong perception that this community is ‘small’ especially when it relates to dating within it. In fact, this perception is certainly not groundless because it is fairly routine to come across situations where A dated B who once dated C, a best friend of D whose sister once dated A. 
